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I’m finding my way through the spiral, accepting my shadows and planning to write it into narrative poetry while healing my inner child. Slowly, my hair is lowlighted with dark greys, and I found stretch marks vertically descending my lower hips, there are fine wrinkles around the bottom of my eyes from lack of sleep during my drug addiction and a scar from a crack down the center of my lips from dehydration, Now I take self care more seriously although I don’t wear makeup or put on lotion often I do say my affirmations, write in my journal, and use my rosemary mint shampoo. Jay scrubs my scalp nearly every day and I have every reason to say that I’m grateful.

I practice yoga, shimmy in belly dance and find joy and happiness in between daily practices and Saturday reviews- celebrate full moons, new moons, and gratitude nearly every day.

I’m losing weight that I gained from medications over a hundred and I’m back down 22 in the last four months. It’s not about being skinny for me it’s more about becoming mobile where I’ve lost mobility, getting flexible again, deep breathing for self-regulation and being strong even mentally health. It took a few years but now the doctors trust me to take medication for ADHD- everything is improving I make the most of my time, although I struggle with inflammation and fatigue but now it’s rare and seldom and I can stay on task. I’ve started a few new projects and left behind some negative archetypes; I’m working on accepting them and exchanging the habits for a few that are more kind. They came out in my drug addiction so reflecting back I can put myself in that position and find the roles. I’m practicing writing but I only get a few narrative sentences rolled out on the lines. I’m becoming more in touch with my memory, creativity and allowing patience and time.

Dwelling back in the shadows, as the light breaks through. I’ve shifted my mindset from dwelling on the emotional turmoil experienced through SA when I was twelve in a movie theater with friends who shamed me to not ruminating on the stabbing only a few years ago although I do get visuals from pressing my hands into his wounds and re-experience the shock from night to night about once every other month. But my nightmares are few and far in between and I’m in a healthy relationship with a person who helps me stay happy through routine something I never had during the days I was smoking meth and couldn’t imagine being able to get clean.